Dear Father

So much to say. I'm struggling this Christmas season. Ryker is going to be gone for 2 weeks. I've done my fair share of crying in the shower. I'm doing everything I can to summon extra strength. Jonathon wrote a final paper for one of his classes, it was a letter to God. He was telling me that as he wrote this paper, he realized that "Gratitude is the antidote for sorrow." I've decided to write a letter to God myself. I'm trying so hard to focus on being grateful. I've had a neat opportunity to gain one more thing in common with my Heavenly Father recently. He gave his son, sent him away to a harsh environment. I can only imagine how that truly felt for him, knowing that it had to be that way. Having to stand by and watch as the Savior was mocked, beaten, and crucified. Sending Ryker away for Christmas is nowhere near what Heavenly Father experienced. But I know that He has felt my pain and that brings me comfort. Ryker is going where the spirit is not in the home. Good morals and good habits are not a part of the lifestyle that he will be around. I pray that he will have at least a small portion of the strength that the Savior had while in the midst of iniquity. Dear Father, please bless my son with the strongest armor you can give. Bless him with thy spirit, comfort him, shield him. Bring him home safe.

Embracing the "single mom" title

Hey out there. It's been forever since you've heard from me. What can I say, I love my blog site, but I love getting out and enjoying life too. I'm doing fantastic. I've never been happier with where I am in life. Throughout the month of October, I had a lot of time and opportunity to think and ponder about my situation. I've become closer to who I truly am than I've ever been before. I've decided I like my life. No, I love my life. Bad things have happened to me, but if they hadn't have happened, I don't think I would be so happy. Or at least appreciate the blessings in my life which make me happy. I'm no longer numb to the past. And I'm not worried about the future. The Lord has a plan for me and my children, and everything is going to work out according to that plan. "Sharp rocks at the bottom? Bring it on!"

A Mortal Payment

So I had this day yesterday. One of those days where a good cry seems to help. Sometime during the night of the night before, a woman I've known my whole life passed away in her sleep. She was young, it was unexpected. Her husband is still alive and they are sealed to eachother. I wasn't so much upset at her death, just sad for those loved ones left behind to live life without her. I found comfort in knowing that they are sealed and will be with her again. Then I found myself thinking about my position and how as of right now I don't have that. How even if I marry again and am sealed to that man, the father of my children won't be there in eternity if he continues on the path that he is on. I ended up crying and needing a major pep talk. I called my guardian angel. He never answers his phone, I always leave a message and then he calls me back. So I was ready to leave a message when he, out of the ordinary, answered. I was already crying but when he answered the phone, I started bawling. He knew who I was and said, "Just let it out Jenn. Cry all you need to." I then told him all my thoughts and how I was feeling. He gave me great words of advice. I told him about how I hurt for my children and how their father won't be there in the end. He said, "Think about it, Jenn. All that matters to them as far as who is there in eternity is their spouse. That's what it ultimately comes down to, that you and your spouse be together forever. They'll be OK." As I made mention of them paying the price for what their father choses to do he made a profound statement. "The price that they will pay is a mortal payment, not an eternal payment." It will only be hard in this life, eternity is going to make it worth it. I'm taking those words and applying them to my life and I'm going to teach my children to do the same. I'm happy to pay a mortal price, it's much better than eternal.

2 Nephi 25:26

"And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins." I was reading with my friend the other night and came upon this verse. It stood out to me. It's simple yet profound. It's the truth.

The Life of My Party Returns!

She's back. After a long 9 month absence, she has returned. It's possible that the nine months she was gone went by slower than my last pregnancy. She walked into institute and I just wanted to scream. (I couldn't though, the teacher was giving the lesson) I did, however, stand up and give her a big hug. In all honesty I couldn't tell you a whole lot about the lesson, I was a little distracted. She's so amazing, I can't wait to reconnect. What a beautiful spirit she has and the light of Christ screams through her body. I'm so glad to have her back.

Time Happens

So, I was talking to my guardian angel the other day. He had called to make sure I was doing ok. I had sent him an email about a dating issue that I was having. So, as we talked on the phone and I further vented my frustrations he said, "Jenn, maybe time is just what's going to happen to you." As much as I already knew that, I needed to hear it. His words in that conversation were extremely helpful and validating. I love that he's always there for me and in tune with what I need to hear. He has always helped me, every step of this journey it seems he has made with me. I could never repay him for all he does. His last remark to me was, "Jenn, you're the greatest and don't think otherwise." I really have to concentrate on the way that I think...how I think about myself. I'll continue to try. Time happens!

Royalty

To be treated like royalty isn't easy to come by. To at least be told "yes" or "no" instead of hanging on a "maybe". Just say it, "I care about you". Flowers aren't a bad thing. Do without the sarcasm. Be concerned, show compassion. A sympathetic "sorry" isn't bad either. Make plans ahead of time, don't put her on the back burner to wait till the last minute and expect her to still be there. She'll wait, but only for so long. Validate already! It's an amazing tool. Respect, admire, be tender. I give up.

My Guardian Angel

I have this guardian angel. He is amazing. Whenever I hurt, I know he'll be there for me. He's selfless, loving, kind, full of service, amazing, and not to mention hilarious. He turns red very easily and I have so much fun with that. Our favorite place is Omaha. One day we hope to visit there together. :) Today I realized something about my angel, he can hurt too. I hate to see him hurt. (Hari Krishna) He's too good for pain. I can't make it go away, but I hope I can be there for him as he has been there for me. Maybe this guardian angel thing can go both ways.  Heaven knows he could use one.

Back In Action!

So, it's been a while, but I'm back. I took a vacation. I went to Utah, Arizona and Vegas. I was gone for a little over 2 weeks and had the time of my life. I went to see a show in Vegas and it was worth every penny. I saw so many friends and family, it was great to catch up. However, one of the highlights of my trip was on Sunday, Mar. 18, the life of my party called and said she was on her way home to Alaska. She's not here yet, but I'm so excited to see her. It's been a long 8 months, she is never allowed to do that to me again. Well, it's good to be back and I'll continue to keep you posted.

Not My Monkey

I have struggled recently with someone close to me. I feel misjudged by him and am not sure how to approach it. He's quite the unapproachable person. I talked with my uncle Clark about it. He's been through the same things I'm going through. He told me, "Jenn, just look at him and say, It's not my monkey." When something is hanging on us, what animal would we say it is? A monkey. Monkeys tend to hang on us. So do a lot of things. In this case, what I'm going through in my life is something that this person doesn't support or agree with and so it bothers him. It became a monkey to him. However, it bothers him, not me. It's his monkey, not mine. And when he takes it out on me it's because he sees me as the cause of it, he tries to give me his monkey. But bottom line, it's not my monkey.

Chivalry Lives!

I was making a delivery for my dad yesterday at Furniture Enterprises in Anchorage. It was only one box. I was perfectly capable of getting the door. As I walked up to the door in the back of the building, a man who was there to pick something up, went out of his way to open the door for me. I smiled real big a thanked him. I love being treated with respect and it doesn't make me feel weird at all. After I thanked him he said one thing to me, "Chivalry Lives!" That was it. "Chivalry Lives!" I don't know who that guy was, he was a little older, but I thought, "Wow, that's awesome. We need more people like that." Chivalry really does live, we just need to prove it. I walked lighter for the rest of the day and felt like a million bucks, all because someone did something as simple as open my door. Guys, "Chivalry Lives!" Use it!
P.S. In all fairness...Ned, you're awesome!

Elect of Elohim

"Father!" the voice like music fell,

Clear as the murmuring flow

Of mountain streamlet trickling down

From heights of virgin snow.

"Father," it said, "since One must die,

Thy children to redeem

From worlds all formless now and void,

Where myriad life shall teem;

"And mighty Michael foremost fall

That mortal man may be;

And chosen Savior yet must send,

Lo, here am I-- send me!

I ask, I seek no recompense,

Save that which then were mine;

Mine be the willing sacrifice,

The endless glory Thine!"

"Jenn Saunders, changing the world one Valentine card at a time."

I love Valentines Day. What a wonderful day. I spent a lot of time on the phone this Valentines Day wishing many loved ones happiness and love. One friend in particular is such a fantastic person. I was sharing with him my views of Valentines Day, long story short, I think I've converted him. As he laughed at me, he said, "Jenn Saunders, changing the world one Valentine card at a time." You know it. If it will make a difference, I'm there and you can count on it.

A Reason For Everything

I was supposed to go to Anchorage tonight. (an hour away) However, plans fell through and so my evening became free. I ended up going to the store, a little bummed about the evening. As I was walking through the isles of groceries, I found myself following a guy and girl holding hands. As I watched them from the back I had the feeling that I knew the guy. I couldn't see his face, and he didn't even look familiar from behind, yet I found myself thinking about Justin.
Justin is my cousin. He and his sister were adopted by my uncle when he married their mother. They were divorced shortly there after. His mom took him and his sister and moved out of state. They returned when I was in high school and Justin and I became close. He, due to parental example, struggles with substances and has for years. But I love him just the same. He is so good at heart. I lost contact with him some years ago. Several months ago, my home teacher (a bale bondsman) noticed Justin had been arrested. When he notified me, I asked him to try and get Justin's info so that I could contact him. It was too late though, Justin had already been released. I found myself kind of hoping that he would get arrested again so that my home teacher would be able to intercept. Well, I guess it's good that he hasn't been arrested again.
So back to my story. I felt as though this man walking in front of me might be Justin, yet he didn't look like him. I found myself following the couple around the store, waiting for him to turn so that I could get a look at his face. It took a while, but he finally turned and looked my direction. As his eyes met mine, he looked at me like, "Wait a second, it's you!". I returned with a big smile and with a sigh of relief I said, "Justin". I bounced up to him giving him a big hug. I love him. He struggles, but who doesn't have their struggles. God has a reason for everything. If I had gone to Anchorage like I originally planned, I would not have bumped into Justin. I'm so grateful for how aware of me the Lord is. He's aware of all of us and there truly is a reason for every little thing that happens.

My Superpower

I was asked recently, "If you could have one superpower, what would it be?" I've never been a fan of this question mainly because I was never satisfied with your typical superpowers. Well, this time when I was asked, something immediately came to my mind. I would lift the veil. Not to have a perfect knowledge of the truth, I don't doubt the gospel. I would lift the veil so that I could see people. People are my life, my loved ones sustain me. I would want to visit those who have passed on. But that's not the end of my superpower story. Throughout the week I thought about my answer. I've changed my mind. I wouldn't choose to lift the veil, I would choose to remove the natural man from me. I think of my Savior bleeding and suffering for all of our sins and knowing that I contributed and still contribute breaks my heart. I know that it needed to happen, but if I could stop adding to the pains, I definitely would. So...be gone with you Natural Man!

It's A Small World After All

I struggled Sunday with the desire to attend my church meetings. I forced myself to go. I was so angry by the end of church, I just loaded my kids in the car and cried. The adversary was really working hard on me. There was a CES fireside that night in Anchorage. (an hour away) I wasn't going to go because it's so hard on my kids, Sunday is already a long day for them. My parents felt I needed to go though, so they took my kids home and I rode in with Bishop and his wife to the fireside. Boy am I glad I went. The fireside was awesome, Elder Bednar's talk was fantastic. But even more fantastic, I made the goal to meet someone new. Holy cow did I meet someone new. His name is Ned. He looked familiar to me but I knew I didn't know him. He just looked like someone but I wasn't quite sure who. I asked his last name. Long story short, he's the younger brother of a man who served his mission here in Alaska when I was like, a freshman in high school. His brother had returned to Alaska to visit some years ago and stayed at my house. My family was particularly close with him as a missionary. So, Ned is his 26 year old brother, is living up here while serving in the Air Force. I couldn't believe it. Small world huh? We had so much fun talking. That was just what I needed.

The House Of The Lord

I woke up today, got ready for work, then someone called. They asked me if I wanted to go to the temple with them. Of course I wanted to, so I ditched work and went with him to the temple. What a neat experience. I love the temple, I love the feeling when I'm inside. I always stop and look at the baptismal font and ponder the importance of baptism. It all starts with baptism. I read a quote today that I liked. "What would you do if you knew that you couldn't fail?" Think about it.

The life of my party!

I received a phone call today. Wow! The life of my party was on the other side. She means so much to me. I loved speaking with her. I'm on an absolute high now, I'm good for another 44 days. (She'll be returning home in 44 days) I can't wait. When she gets here, I'm going to fall into her arms, shed a tear or two (for joy) and then jump up and down screaming. She'll be doing the same I'm sure. There is no doubt in my mind that she and I are kindred spirits. We have known each other since the beginning of time and have always been connected with bonds of friendship that hold more power than the earth's core. Heavens to Betsy girl, return to me!

Unnecessary Drama

"Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness."
I'm frustrated with someone, to the point that I have thought out many times what I would like to say to this person. However, what's on my mind isn't 100% positive. I've felt this way for a few days. I was sitting in institute tonight, I flopped open my scriptures and found myself reading this verse. I thought of how I would like to settle things with this person and reconsidered my game plan. I felt like the Lord was telling me to be bold, but not overbearing. I need to control myself so that I can feel love for this person. And as much as I would like to do nothing about it and hope that it just goes away, I can't because it won't. "...refrain from idleness." But now I have no idea how to confront the situation. Single life brings so much drama! I don't need it. UGH! I want to quit.

Mosiah 2:41

And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.

Pulling Teeth

OK, so house sitting for the Debenhams. Spencer Debenham (9), decided to lose a tooth while his parents are gone. He came in the room and announced that a tooth came out. My first thought was, "Why were you boys fighting?" But when I asked what happened he said that it was just lose and came out. A thought occurred to me for the first time, I will be the one pulling my children's lose teeth unless I have one terrific husband by then. I don't want to be the one pulling teeth. When Ryker comes to me with a lose tooth, I want to be able to turn to the man I love and with puppy dog eyes, say, "Honey, will you please?" And he will look at me with such love in his eyes and say, "You know I will." He'll take the burden from me, be my hero, and make it all better. Someday.

Stop Convincing!

I have a terrible habit of feeling like I need to convince people that I'm worth loving. I suppose when it comes so naturally for someone to not love me, it's easy for that habit to form. I deserve to be chased, desired, pursued, however you want to put it. Everyone deserves that. As soon as someone pays any attention, I jump at the chance to prove to them what I'm worth. Should I really be PROVING, or should I let them see me when they feel like seeing me? Is that enough, to see me when they feel like it? Ultimately, I want someone to see me. I want to know that I'm being seen and that they won't go away when they realize what they've seen. They will always be there.

Step-Families

I've often thought about my children someday being a part of a step-family. It's bothersome to know that they will have to experience that, like they're too good for it. They deserve better. I pray that they have a step-father that will love them and cherish them as if they were his own. That he will be faithful in helping me raise them in the gospel. They will be OUR children. A wise person recently said something to me which changed my feelings, "Christ was raised in a step-family." It's true, Joseph was his step-father, he helped Mary raise Him to the Lord and loved Him as if He were his own son. If it's good enough for the Savior, it's good enough for my children. The Lord will care for my children and bless them in their adversity.

Beginning To End

At the beginning with you. Starting over with something new. A change of pace because I'm moving on. Forward to bigger and better things. In the end, I WILL be there, see Him again. I will fall into His arms and thank Him for my life and the blessing it was to experience what I did. Until then...bring it on!