Embrace Me

Another Sunday and I'm left with the feeling of what's the point?  The pains of motherhood bombard me as I prepare my children for church week after week.  I understand that all mothers go through those times of looking for lost dress shoes, putting children in time out all through Sacrament meeting, and having to change outfits two or three times before church simply because something got on it.  I needed a point today... a reason to even attend church.

The closing hymn in Relief Society today was 219.  Turn the page and you have my favorite hymn, 221, Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd.  Trisha (my awesome friend) was sitting next to me and I pointed out to her that 221 was my favorite.  The pianist had stepped out of the room and so Trisha filled in for the closing hymn.  After the closing prayer, I began to gather my things when I heard the music.  Trisha was playing Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd.  I put my bag back on the floor and opened the hymnal so I could follow along.  I sat there in the most peaceful moment of my day, thanks to Trisha.

Trisha is pretty in tune.  She had noticed before church even started that I was pretty frazzled.  When she mentioned something to me, my response was, "You know, just another Sabbath morning as a single mother."  I just wanted to cry, and I did.  As I listened to the most beautiful sound of my day, tears filled my eyes.

The words are so calming to me.  Every time I read them, I can feel the love the Savior has for me and I long for His embrace.  

I'm just so tired. 
I want to be in His arms again.
I want to feel the relief.  
I need to feel Him beside me.

A Cup Half Full

I got a call from Keri today.  My heart sunk to my stomach when I saw her on my caller ID.  Since Casey's surgery, his infection has not improved.  His blood cell count is dropping and doctors are not sure why.  All the medication along with the infection is destroying his liver.  More tests are going to be done to see if the infection has invaded his bone marrow.  If it has, they have to do a bone marrow transplant.  If not, they increase the transfusions in an increased attempt to kill the infection.

Shortly after talking to Keri, I was on facebook and filled Casey's wall with comments of randomness.  He, having access to his computer while in the hospital, popped online while I was on there.  We had a wonderful chat, cracking jokes and sharing nonsense.  He seemed to be in good spirits.  He ended the conversation with, "Poopsicles... The vampires are coming in to draw more blood...."  I love his sense of humor.  


Yesterday was fast Sunday.  I think it's obvious what... or more accurately, who I fasted for.  My thoughts were filled with Casey all day long.  During church, a young man in our ward stood up to bare his testimony.  He's high school age and loves to play football.  He bore a simple message about how he has tried to build the habit of focussing on the positive things in life; looking at the cup half full instead of half empty.  My Casey cup yesterday definitely felt half empty.  As I spoke with Keri today, she was informing me of what should have been bad news, and then she expressed some relief within all of it.  She said that if doctors hadn't done certain tests that were above and beyond protocol, they would not have found the infection to begin with.  I stood there in wonder as Keri accounted for her half full cup.  Then as I chatted with Casey, my cup began to feel more than half full.  I'm not surprised, Casey has a way of taking your half full cup and then proceeds to top it off.  


How much lighter would our step be if we could see our cups as half full?  How much happier would life be if we could top off other people's cups?  

A Perfect And Fragile Heart

My cousin has one of the biggest hearts known to man.  I mean that in the sense that he would do anything for anyone.  He loves bigger than most and has a compassion that many of us could only dream of achieving.  He's forgiving, kind, charitable, passionate, sacrificing, and extremely positive.  I wish I had half the spirit that he has.  His spirit is so amazing that his big heart just can't seem to keep up.

Casey has had 16 heart surgeries and tomorrow morning he is scheduled for number 17.  I talked with him on the phone tonight (he's in a hospital in Seattle) and found out that since his last surgery (a couple weeks ago), recovery hasn't gone as planned.  He now has a serious infection running through his entire body, including his weak heart.  The plan for surgery tomorrow is to take three of the four wires of the pacemaker out of his heart, have him function on one wire, and wait out the infection by treating him with antibiotics (2-4 weeks).  After the infection is gone, they go back in and put in a new pacemaker on the other side of his heart and pray for success.  While recovering, he will stay in the hospital and will also be placed on the heart transplant list.  The risks surrounding Casey have me pretty concerned.

Speaking to Casey tonight brought tears to my eyes.  His quiet whisper as he answered tore at my emotions.  He sounded so exhausted.  Shooting the breeze for a little bit brought light to my soul.  We cracked a few jokes and chuckled a few times.  Man, I love to hear him laugh.  He has such a pure laughter that can bring a smile to the saddest of faces.  He gave me the good news along with the bad... and then we continued to make light of the bad news.  At the end of our conversation, we exchanged I love you's and said good-bye.  

I hung up the phone and relinquished control over the tear ducts in my eyes.  Kneeling at my bedside, I began to sob to Heavenly Father, praying for more time in Casey's behalf.  He is a husband and a father to three beautiful little girls.  He is a son, a brother, an uncle, grandson, cousin, nephew, and treasured friend.  He is just the type of spirit the Lord wants and needs on the other side, but please Lord, please let him stay.  

Life is so fragile.  Truly, in one moment, it can be gone.  This life isn't worth wasting time on bitterness, anger, hatred, and carelessness.  I wonder why it takes the idea of losing life to re-open our eyes to such simple realizations.  Casey has taught me that a heart can give so much, even when it is weak.  "Just imagine," I say to myself, "Imagine what a strong heart (your heart) is capable of if it were fully dedicated to the purposes of its design... Love."

  

Believe it... trust Him

For behold, this is written for the intent that ye may believe that; and if ye believe that ye will believe this also; and if ye believe this ye will know concerning your fathers, and also the marvelous work which were wrought by the power of God among them.

Mormon 7:9

Believe it... trust Him.

"That's My Castle"

Ever since I can remember, memorial day weekend has included going to Grandma Saunders' grave (and now Grandpa Saunders as well) with as many relatives as could come, and planting flowers on it. This memorial day wasn't much different. I brought my children with me and proceeded with what has become a routine of weeding, planting, and watering. Upon completion, I felt the urge to go visit another grave. Randy Owens who passed away June 9, 2009. This is a first memorial day for many to be without him. After a chuckle at what his headstone said, because it is so Randy, I walked my kids back to my grandmother's grave.

My grandma has a humble headstone with her name, lifespan, and a picture of the Salt lake City Temple. For the purpose of teaching, I had Ryker read the name on her headstone, Lois Laney Saunders. He looked at me with eyes that had made a connection. I asked him, "Does that name sound familiar?" He nodded and said, "Yup, Saunders".


"What about her middle name, Laney?"


He nodded again and pointed at Kaya. My daughter shares middle names with my grandmother as well as my father. A family name that I hope flows through generations to come. I explained to him the meaning behind this passing of tradition and how special it was. I then turned to Kaya and said, "Kaya, look, Lois Laney. That says Laney, just like Kaya's name, Kaya Laney".


Kaya's reply was something to treasure, a lesson to be adhered. "Yup, that's me, and that's my castle." I giggled at first because of the cuteness in claiming the temple as her castle, but then a deeper emotion flooded me. Yes, that is her castle. It's a castle for all of us. The world is full of castles that the Lord has placed here for each and every one of us. Nowhere on this Earth can we go and feel like such royalty; like true children of our Heavenly Father.


What a wonderful gift it is to know that we are so loved. We are princes and princesses to our Father in Heaven, we only need realize it; and what better place to prove it than the temple. Go... and go often. Fulfill your divine blueprint. Be that child of God that He knows you are.


I love the lessons I learn each day from my children. So simple that they often are in the form of a cute little statement, and yet they are profound. The Lord is always speaking to me, I only need to pay attention. I need to go to my castle more.

"I hope I can be a prophet someday"

Every night, the bedtime routine with my children includes reading scriptures.  Because of their young ages, I read to them from the scripture story books that the church has published and I accompany them with a few verses that correspond to the scripture story; thus they can here and understand scriptural language.  Since last October, we have covered the Book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants, and we are currently reading the Old Testament.  With all of these readings, we have learned a great deal about prophets, and in the past two weeks we have read a lot about Abraham, Jacob, Joseph, and Moses.  Tonight, as we read about the plagues the Lord placed on the Egyptians and how great a prophet Moses was, Ryker turned to me and simply said, "I hope I can be a prophet someday".

Humility overcame me as I looked at this awesome boy who has ALWAYS had a firm grasp on the gospel, and I was more honored than ever before that the Lord has allowed me to be his mother.  I learn more from Ryker than he could ever learn from me.  He came to this earth with a testimony larger than most; he doesn't need to gain one, his spirits' desire is to develop what already exists.  How many times are children asked what they want to be when they grow up?  And how many times do we hear the answers, a firefighter, an astronaut, a veterinarian, etc?  Never in my wildest dreams was I expecting to hear, "a prophet".  I feel as though the child is raising the parent, and not the parent raising the child.

Thank you Heavenly Father for sending me a spirit who will keep me on track and bring me closer to thee.

Unexpected Prompting

     Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend the memorial service of a young man I grew up with.  Shawn Anderson and his little brother, Shane, had hiked out to a cabin to spend a night and then return home.  The next day as they were hiking out, they had troubles finding the trail due to a snowfall.  Shawn and Shane decided to spread out with the idea of keeping within ear shot.  This plan failed them.  Shane made it to the road and waited for about an hour thinking that at any minute Shawn would come out of the woods.  Another hour went by and Shane called Search and Rescue.  They said that because it was already dark, there wasn't anything they could do until morning.  The next day Shawn was found; he was laying on the ground next to a pile of sticks that he was unable to make a fire.  The most heartbreaking part... he was just 100 feet from the road.  The service yesterday was full with people who loved Shawn.  There wasn't any one particular speaker at this event.  It was open to anyone and everyone who wanted to share their memories of Shawn.  I had no intentions of standing up and saying anything simply because I hadn't seen Shawn since high school.  However, as I sat there listening to others, my chest began to burn.
     I knew the spirit was pushing me but I wasn't sure why.  As I thought to myself, what would I say?  Then the answer came, all I needed to do is bear my testimony.  So I stood there, in front of a bunch of people that I do not know, that I know don't share the same faith as me, and I bore testimony to them of our Heavenly Father's love for us and of His divine plan.  I felt the spirit so strong and that alone was worth the experience.