The Halo Status

     Yesterday was crazy busy.  As the evening grew closer, I thought to myself, "Where did the day go?"  I still had many things on my list of to-do's which there was no way I was going to accomplish them before passing out.  I sat down at my computer, ready to do some homework, and my cell phone rang.  My guardian angel was on the line.  Our lives have been pretty busy lately and communication has been few and far between, so I was pretty excited to see his name on the caller ID.  I answered and was only able to speak with him for a few minutes before Ryker insisted on talking to him.  Ryker adores this man, he has even named his guinea pig after him.  Ryker was loving talking to him, the hard part was getting Ryker to let me have a turn.  After several minutes I finally regained possession of the phone.  I'm not going to share the conversation with you.  That's not why I'm writing this entry.  The reason why I'm telling you this story is because I want you to go back to my entry on March 28, 2007 title, My Guardian Angel.  Since March 28, 2007, I have spent much time on my knees praying that my angel would be blessed with an angel of his own.  Many times I have wished that I could be that angel, and many times I have realized that I'm not.  So my prayers continued in hopes that he has an angel out there somewhere.  He needs one, he's earned one, he deserves one.
     Last night I was able to share some thoughts with him in hopes that it would help bring what it was he was looking for.  As I was reaching the end of my "sermon", he stopped me and asked me if I remember him saying a long time ago, that he knows that he's my guardian angel, but who is his guardian angel?  He expressed his need for one.  Someone to be there for him, with just the right words.  I most definitely remembered him telling me this.  That's when I wrote my March 28, 2007 entry.  My heart ached for him ever since then.  He then said, "Jenn, thanks for being my angel."  I broke down.  Tears were streaming as I forced my sobs into silence.  I was so humbled by the power of prayer.  Finally I was able to repay a small portion of the great peace he has brought to me.  What I did last night was nothing compared to what he has done for me.  But the small act meant the world.  My angel status may be just for the night, but I will take it... graciously.
     Angels are everywhere.  Everyone on this earth takes a turn being an angel for someone else.  It's one of Heavenly Father's greatest gifts.  I'm so grateful for the angels that He has sent to me throughout my life.  I'm humbled that He has allowed me to be an angel every now and then.  And I will always, ALWAYS be thankful for Jonathon, my guardian angel.

An "Ah-Ha" Moment

     For the past several years I've listened to people tell me about the happiness that can come out of a trial when you apply the atonement; and, for the past several years I felt like I was doing what I needed to do in order to apply the atonement.  I've always heard stories from people about how they applied the atonement in their lives and how they would have a sort of "ah-ha" moment - a moment where something clicked and they where able to take that giant step forward.  So over the past few years I've been doing what I needed to in order to apply the atonement; and yet, I have not had an "ah-ha" moment.
     Let's jump forward to today.  Aside from the fact that it's my daughter's birthday and it just doesn't seem like it's been three years, I had a poopy morning.  It started off great... it's Kaya's birthday.  I was all kinds of happy to spend time with her today.  I still had to take Ryker to school, and I had my English class this morning.  Then, after English, I stopped at the store before going home to be with Kaya.  As I got to the store I was on the phone with CSSD (child support peeps) and it wasn't good.  I'm beginning to believe that the several, SEVERAL thousand dollars, that a certain man has failed to pay in child support, will never reach his children.  He's a thief.  He is manipulating his way out of it.  Needless to say, I found this disturbing.  It's not about the money, I don't care about the money.  It's about him cheating his children, him lying and getting away with it, the abuse, the neglect, you name it, he's guilty and he's getting away.  I fought tears as I walked through Fred Meyer, wishing for someone to comfort me, to make the burden lighter.  I got to the car and couldn't fight it any longer.  I cried my way home.  Cried and talked.
     I often talk out loud to Heavenly Father in the car.  I may have given him an earful today.  Amongst the rambling, I managed to make a few sensible statements.  I asked him, "What is it that you want me to learn?  I don't understand!  What lesson am I not getting?  Please help me learn it so I can move on from this trial.  I just want to be done!"  I repeatedly asked these question, sometimes in more of a shouting voice due to the emotions running through me.  When I got home, I walked inside. As mom looked at me, it was pretty obvious that I had been crying.  She asked what was wrong, and as I explained it to her, the answer came.  There I was complaining about the abuse, the wrong-doing, and how unfair this all has been.  This man is in debt in child support, several thousand dollars.  I am the one that has been supporting these kids.
     Here's the "ah-ha" moment.  With every dollar he doesn't give to support his children, I have to make up for.  When the dollars add up to 17K, you can imagine how destitute I was.  With tears streaming, I looked at my mom and angrily said, "I'M paying HIS debt."  I was astounded the very second that these words left my lips.  Heat washed over my body.  I was reminded of the Savior.  I knew immediately what I needed to be understand.  The Savior paid the ultimate price; He paid for all of our debts; He suffered the ultimate pain, and He did this willingly.  As these thoughts came rushing through my mind, I somehow felt blessed.  I was comforted in the thought that the Lord has offered to me a chance to become more like our Savior.  To pay the debt for someone else.  Does this make it hurt less?  No Way!  The pain is still there.  The Savior suffered pain.  Just because he was willing to pay the price for all our sins, doesn't mean it hurt him any less.  It hurts me the things this man does to me and my kids.  But the difference between now and yesterday is that I now am willing to accept his debt; whereas before I fought it with rage.  Does it make this fair? No. Am I laying down and giving up? No. But I'm now willing to accept whatever debt the Lord would have me pay.  A new level of trust and understanding has been reached.  This simple opportunity, though difficult and painful, leaves me feeling blessed.
     The Atonement does not just offer us opportunity for repentance, but also opportunity to feel the freedom that comes from forgiving others.  Sometimes, forgiveness comes through making sacrifices.  Sometimes we need to pay debts for others.  It's when we serve others, that we open our hearts to love them.  I thank my Father in heaven and my Savior for the sacrifices They have made for me.  It's the least I can do to make such a small sacrifice for one of His children.  I love Them so much.

Loner

I sat in sacrament meeting today with no desire to stay.  I felt the loneliness today... the impact of being in a family ward and being single.  I found myself daydreaming during one of the talks about how I would much rather be in class right then.  How I enjoy school more; I think because I don't feel so lonely around a bunch of people that are also by themselves.  I enjoyed being a part of singles ward because everyone else in the ward came to church by themselves just like me.  This family ward thing has been a good change for  my kids.  I've seen a lot of positive things in my children with being there.  Over the summer it was easier because Thomas and Josh attended my family ward.  They were "loners" like me.  I would sit with them during class.  Now I just sit alone... depressing.  Each week I'm reminded of what I don't have... what I could have had... what I should have.  This doesn't affect my testimony or change how I feel about doing what is right.  I know where I'm supposed to be on Sunday so I'll be there.  It's a coin toss of whether or not each week will be enjoyable.  Today it wasn't.

What's in the Water?

I just bumped into Jana at school.  Tears started flowing again.  First Kayla, now Jana.  I think I might be contagious, I sat with both of them all through winter semester last year.  I don't like what they are going through.  I hate it actually.  I wish I could take it away from them.  I wish I could go through it for them because I've been there and I know I can handle it.  I was watching the Biggest Loser last night.  It was the beginning of the season.  It's all about people needing a second chance.  One girl that they have on there was married and had a 5 yr old daughter and a 2 week old son.  On October 13th 2006 (Ironicallly Kaya's due date, and Friday the 13th) this womans husband and children were killed in a car accident.  She was left alone.  As I watched her throughout the show you could see the pain that she feels, yet you could also see a huge amount of strength in her spirit.  I just kept thinking, "that's why the Lord had her go through that, because she is strong enough."  I keep telling Kayla that.  She always asks "why", she cries because she doesn't feel strong enough.  So here's some logic for you Kayla...
       ~You ARE strong enough!  You CAN do this!  I was once told that we attract the people that are most like us.  Kayla, you keep telling me how strong I am.  Guess what?  I sat with you and Jana the entire semester because I was attracted to your spirits.  You and I are very much alike.  You are strong.  And the Lord knows you can do this.  Cry all you need to, He doesn't judge the tears.  One day at a time.  I'm always here.~

And for heaven's sake, could we all stop drinking the water?

Twice in One Day!

Today was my long day at school.  English in the morning, Human Relations in the afternoon, and Spanish in the evening.  I'm literally at school all day long.  Part way through the day I went to my car to get something.  When I opened the door something fell to the ground... it was a pass along card.  I usually have those floating around my car so I chucked it back in.  When I chucked it onto the dash I noticed some writing on it.  It said, "Jenn- Have a great day. Love Elder Ferrell and Lott"  Someone saying hello to you usually makes you smile.  Yet when it's done in a surprising way such as a note on your car, it brings a bigger smile that lasts even longer.  I went back into the school and back to class.  After Spanish got out I headed to my car to go home.  As I approached my car I noticed something tucked into my window.  "Jesus loves you and so do I.  Hope life is good.  Let me know if I can do anything to make it better. ~Bryan" Could this seriously happen twice in one day?  It's amazing; the feeling of being loved.  I love my life.  I love exactly where I am and what I've been through; it's given me the greatest friends in the world and I really can't ask for more.

Stake Conference

  I just got home from stake conference.  What an amazing broadcast and I actually got to stay in my seat the whole time; Carleen and Trish stepped up to the plate and helped me with my kids.  I wish it were possible to retain everything that is said in the talks that were given.  Brother Gibson told a story of when he was young and he had gotten lost in a mine.  His flashlight was dead and there was zero light, he didn't know where to go.  He felt around for a while, following the walls.  He then lost the walls and couldn't tell which direction to go.  He knelt and prayed for help and was able to find an old mine track on the ground and followed it out.  He said, "It's good to pray when all else fails, but it is much better to pray before all else fails."  So true.  

   Brother Paul Pieper spoke next.  He encouraged us to listen to talks with a prayer in our hearts, asking ourselves, "What does Heavenly Father want me to learn today from His servants?" 

  "Our world is full of moral distractions that make us spiritually sick."  He spoke about partaking of the sacrament and how when we do so we renew our covenants and bind ourselves to the Lord.  He encouraged that on Saturday nights we take a few moments to ask ourselves some questions in preparation for taking the sacrament.  

 -Have I humbled myself before God?

 -Did I ask for guidance and listen?

 -Have I truly repented of all my sins?

 -Am I truly striving to be better?

 -Am I willing to take His name and be faithful to Him?

 -Do my works reflect that of a Christ like servant?

Elder Russell M. Nelson spoke to the children.  My favorite thing he said was when he quoted the hymn, Keep the Commandments.  He reworded it, "Safety and peace will come -IF- we keep the commandments."

Our prophet, President Thomas S. Monson spoke last.  He spoke about those that are lost.  The less actives, the widows, the lonely, and others.  He spoke of "love being a binding balm".  He said several things that I'll quote.

  "Those that are lost will remain un-rescued unless we, as members of the church, have a desire to rescue."

  "Our task is not insurmountable, we are on the Lords errand."

  "If we don't try, we don't do.  If we don't do, then why are we here?"

  "Ours is the duty to reach out and to rescue... Those who have the ability to reach out have found the formula for service."

  "The language of the spirit comes to the one who seeks God."

President Monson's talk hit me the most.  I've been helping a friend lately who has been less active for several years.  She's dealing with a very difficult trial right now, similar to what I've been through, and so I've been trying to help her.  I've worked with her closely on going back to church and turning to the Lord for help.  The thing that hit me today was that I waited until she was in despair to reach out and share the gospel.  Why did I wait?  How many others are lost that seem to be doing fine so they don't show up on my radar of needing the gospel?  We all need the gospel.  I need to reach out more, whether the person is in trouble or not.  

The Happiest Girl In The World

After returning home at 1 am from Soldotna last night I was dreading my day today.  I figured I would only get 5 hours of sleep before getting me and my son off to school. There was a letter on the table for me so I grabbed it as Ryker and I walked out the door.  When I got to my car I opened the letter and received the best news of my life thus far.  It was the final judgment on the custody battle I've been in for over two years.  The judge had finally signed an order.  I can't describe the relief that went through my system as I checked the back page for the judges signature.  I just wanted to scream with excitement.  Needless to say, by 8:10 this morning, I had already had the most wonderful day.  I dropped Ryker at school and then went to my class.  I could hardly sit still, I was so happy.  After class I went and talked to my advisor at school about the possibilities of changing my degree.  Nothing but more good news came from that conversation.  I actually have hope of getting into an amazing Doctorate program... down the road.  But the the idea seems possible to me now.  Could my day seriously be getting better?  TOTALLY.  And nothing was going to ruin it.  Not event the dead shrew that me and my kids found in the driveway today.  After school I was at home with the kids, just thrilled to have them in my life.  Spending time with them doing whatever we felt like.  I'm so blessed, I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for Heavenly Father looking out for me.  Today, I am quite possibly the happiest girl in the world.

Come Back

   I fed the missionaries breakfast for dinner last night.  Elder Ferrell was pretty excited.  I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he couldn't think of anything so during the day I decided to do breakfast.  When he showed up with his companion and I told them I was making breakfast, he flipped.  He said he was thinking about calling me earlier in the day and asking for breakfast.  "Great minds think alike".

Dreams are psycho.  The last four nights I've had some intense dreams, good and bad, and even the good haven't been enjoyable.  I hear that dreams happen during the REM cycle which is between 6 and 8 hours of sleep.  I've only had 5-6 hours each night, make sense of that.

   My english teacher liked my in-class paper that I wrote last week.  I totally quoted Forrest Gump.  "Me and Jenny's like peas and carrots."  The topic was friendship and who knows better about that than a man obsessed with chocolates.  I miss Thomas and Josh.  I didn't think I would have this difficult of a time with them going back to school.  They are some of the healthiest friends I've ever had.  Sincere, possitive, upbeat, and supportive.  Not to mention they completely love kids.  I miss laughing with Josh about Thomas' picture taking, and I miss laughing with Thomas about Josh's obsession with berries.  I miss the random hikes and them running circles around my tired butt.  I haven't had a homesick feeling in a long, long time; I'm homesick for them.  I miss the honesty.

Cantaloupes and Peaches

Let's talk about the most amazing girls in my life right now.  Tears don't have time to fall before they're at my door.  Last night we laid on my roof and watched the stars, something I love to do.  We watched satellites orbit, stars fall, and giggled the time away.  The relationship I have with these girls reminds me of that story, "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants".  Only we're the sisterhood of the cantaloupes and peaches... don't ask.  Different, yet the same.  I hope we have each other for years to come.