An "Ah-Ha" Moment

     For the past several years I've listened to people tell me about the happiness that can come out of a trial when you apply the atonement; and, for the past several years I felt like I was doing what I needed to do in order to apply the atonement.  I've always heard stories from people about how they applied the atonement in their lives and how they would have a sort of "ah-ha" moment - a moment where something clicked and they where able to take that giant step forward.  So over the past few years I've been doing what I needed to in order to apply the atonement; and yet, I have not had an "ah-ha" moment.
     Let's jump forward to today.  Aside from the fact that it's my daughter's birthday and it just doesn't seem like it's been three years, I had a poopy morning.  It started off great... it's Kaya's birthday.  I was all kinds of happy to spend time with her today.  I still had to take Ryker to school, and I had my English class this morning.  Then, after English, I stopped at the store before going home to be with Kaya.  As I got to the store I was on the phone with CSSD (child support peeps) and it wasn't good.  I'm beginning to believe that the several, SEVERAL thousand dollars, that a certain man has failed to pay in child support, will never reach his children.  He's a thief.  He is manipulating his way out of it.  Needless to say, I found this disturbing.  It's not about the money, I don't care about the money.  It's about him cheating his children, him lying and getting away with it, the abuse, the neglect, you name it, he's guilty and he's getting away.  I fought tears as I walked through Fred Meyer, wishing for someone to comfort me, to make the burden lighter.  I got to the car and couldn't fight it any longer.  I cried my way home.  Cried and talked.
     I often talk out loud to Heavenly Father in the car.  I may have given him an earful today.  Amongst the rambling, I managed to make a few sensible statements.  I asked him, "What is it that you want me to learn?  I don't understand!  What lesson am I not getting?  Please help me learn it so I can move on from this trial.  I just want to be done!"  I repeatedly asked these question, sometimes in more of a shouting voice due to the emotions running through me.  When I got home, I walked inside. As mom looked at me, it was pretty obvious that I had been crying.  She asked what was wrong, and as I explained it to her, the answer came.  There I was complaining about the abuse, the wrong-doing, and how unfair this all has been.  This man is in debt in child support, several thousand dollars.  I am the one that has been supporting these kids.
     Here's the "ah-ha" moment.  With every dollar he doesn't give to support his children, I have to make up for.  When the dollars add up to 17K, you can imagine how destitute I was.  With tears streaming, I looked at my mom and angrily said, "I'M paying HIS debt."  I was astounded the very second that these words left my lips.  Heat washed over my body.  I was reminded of the Savior.  I knew immediately what I needed to be understand.  The Savior paid the ultimate price; He paid for all of our debts; He suffered the ultimate pain, and He did this willingly.  As these thoughts came rushing through my mind, I somehow felt blessed.  I was comforted in the thought that the Lord has offered to me a chance to become more like our Savior.  To pay the debt for someone else.  Does this make it hurt less?  No Way!  The pain is still there.  The Savior suffered pain.  Just because he was willing to pay the price for all our sins, doesn't mean it hurt him any less.  It hurts me the things this man does to me and my kids.  But the difference between now and yesterday is that I now am willing to accept his debt; whereas before I fought it with rage.  Does it make this fair? No. Am I laying down and giving up? No. But I'm now willing to accept whatever debt the Lord would have me pay.  A new level of trust and understanding has been reached.  This simple opportunity, though difficult and painful, leaves me feeling blessed.
     The Atonement does not just offer us opportunity for repentance, but also opportunity to feel the freedom that comes from forgiving others.  Sometimes, forgiveness comes through making sacrifices.  Sometimes we need to pay debts for others.  It's when we serve others, that we open our hearts to love them.  I thank my Father in heaven and my Savior for the sacrifices They have made for me.  It's the least I can do to make such a small sacrifice for one of His children.  I love Them so much.